By hate, I don’t mean like I hate mushrooms, or like you might hate Mondays. I mean hate like a Boston resident hates the Yankees. Hate like Putin has for America. Hate like Republicans have for equality. That sort of hate. Vitriol would be a better word for how she feels about me. Yet, still, she gets in touch. I’m not sure why. My wife always asks me, “Why do you talk to her? You know she’s just going to use you for whatever the current crisis she has, then tell you she hates you and not to talk to her anymore.” And that’s what she does, every single time, yet still, she gets in touch, again, and again, after that.
My personal opinion is she’s mad at me for our relationship not working, mad at me for sticking around all those years, mad at me for how it happened to her dating someone, and mad at me for how her life turned out. And yet, still she gets in touch. We dated officially from 2005-2007. I was 33, she was just turning 21. I’ve always liked younger girls. Partly because I’m immature on a lot of levels, partly because they expect less, partly because they like sex as much as I do, and partly because, hell, younger is better. They have more spirit, they’re more hopeful about the future, they’re more understanding, and looking younger is nice, too.
She hasn’t talked to me in days since she said I sounded conceited, and, of course, the minute I start typing this she sends me a message on Whatsapp asking if I know of any good Asian pantries. I said, yes, but you probably won’t like it. She asked, “why not?”. I should’ve replied, “Because you hate me and everything I like, duh.”, but I just sent her the address of a place I know and love. I try really hard not to be petty when I talk to her, but she pushes my buttons on purpose. Just the other day I happened to mention I haven’t been drunk in like 5 years. Or high. So she immediately says, “I’ve never seen you smoke weed.” So? Does that mean it never happens? I used to hang out with drug dealers and lived with one. I’ve smoked a LOT of weed in my day. I just lost interest for the most part. It happens. People mature. Then I happened to mention my taste in alcohol changed and that’s when she said I sounded conceited. I like things like “Macallan 18” now. While not the most expensive bottle, it is around $200. It’s not because it’s so much that I like it, I actually happen to still like Jameson, and that’s like $30 a bottle. It just is what it is.
Of course, after I send my recommendation, she says that’s not the kind of place she’s looking for. Sure, because I named it. Just like how for years I’ve been making tv show recommendations she’s largely been ignoring, and music. Like “Game of Thrones”. I have the old texts about the subject, asking if she checked it out yet. She kept saying it wasn’t her kind of show, not to bug her about it, stop trying to get her to watch it. Guess who LOVES Game of Thrones now? Do I get credit for that? Nope. Not at all. I’ve also recommended other shows I still have no idea if she ever checked out because of me that were seriously awesome like “The IT Crowd”. Because I know what she likes, when I see something, I say something. She chooses to be contrary, just because it’s me suggesting it.
With music, she constantly acts like she’s the first and only one listening to things I’ve been listening to before she was born. Take David Bowie: I was listening to him when I was like ten. He was on the radio all the time. I was born in 72, so I was listening to him in 82 back when she was negative two years old. She’s one f those types that hates labels, right, but has me labeled and boxed placed on the top shelf. Ask her what my favorite band is and she says, “Godsmack, you have the tattoo”. I have the tattoo because I like Godsmack, and loved the design at the time. It’s still a pretty cool-looking tribal sun. I LOVE Pink Floyd. I listen to them all the time. I’ve been to see them in concert back in 92, right around the time she might’ve started listening to thing like David Bowie. To assume that I can’t love Pink Floyd because I have a tattoo of another band’s symbol is just silly. That places me in a box. Then she’ll claim she only ever heard of me listening to bands A, B, and C. Really? Were you not there when we were together? Was it because you just weren’t interested in me that you never paid attention to what I liked? That’s awesome, to find out later someone you were with for years, and years after that paid so little attention. For the record,my favorite bands, in this order, but I am muic-fluid, so: Pink Floyd, Tool/A Perfect Circle, David Bowie, Tupac, Eminem, Duran Duran, Lacuna Coil, Motionless In White, Twenty One Pilots, Imagine Dragons, and many others. For me, music is all about mood. Sometimes I’m listening to Berlioz, or Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Beethoven, Vivaldi, Strauss, etc. She wouldn’t know that because apparently, she never paid attention when I was listening to them. I LOVE anything from the Baroque period. I even listen to Daddy Yankee, Don Omar, Wisin, and others. And there she’d make fun of me for liking it because I don’t speak fluent Spanish. In the art world we’d call her a Stuckist, who defines what is and isn’t art, and, by extension who is and isn’t a “real” fan.
Art is another thing I’m guessing she never noticed about me. I LOVE art. I always have. She’d say something snarky and cynical like, “Since when, I never saw that side of you.” To which I’d reply, “Yeah, but you seemed to have missed everything else, so which is more likely, that I’m vapid and devoid of any interests, or that you just didn’t care enough to pay attention?” Seriously, Van Gogh is my absolute favorite artist. I love everything about his work. I love the brush strokes, the colors, the detail, the slight madness in what he was painting, the emotions his works evoke, everything. I’ve gotten teary looking at his work because they are that commanding to me. They’re just so emotional, it’s hard to explain to someone who isn’t a fan. And I like pretty much everything by Dali. I think he was way ahead of his time, and there’s a man who could paint something to totally trip you out. Go look at Dali paintings while listening to pretty much any album by Pink Floyd (I’d go with Dark Side of the Moon on this adventure). I also like Munch, Picasso, Da Vinci, and even Rockwell. I know Norman Rockwell isn’t in the same class as the others, but it’s like liking butter pecan ice cream: it’s still ice cream! Rockwell’s art just speaks to what should have been a simpler time in life in America, the dream of the American Dream. It’s rustic, it’s comforting, it makes me want to go to a lodge in Vermont one snowy night and have hot cocoa while watching the snow fall softly on the trees.
Anyway, after that two years together we mostly stayed together for the next 5 years. We weren’t living together any more, and we had an open relationship, but eventually she found someone and moved on. She stopped calling me for sex, or for hanging out, and we rarely talked. Then I met someone, fell in love with her, proposed, and we got married. My ex didn’t like that at all. My wife is from South America and she felt she was using me for a green card. She’s got that and we’re still together. So now I guess it’s the full Monty, as they say, she’s waiting for her citizenship to leave me. Even IF that were true: so? Who’s business is that but my own? The guy my ex was dating for the longest time wasn’t the best boyfriend. He really used her, ultimately left her twisting in the wind as he moved on. I tried to warn her multiple times till she finally put her foot down one day and said it was no one’s business but hers and as my friend I should back off. While maintaining that as my friend she has the right to speak out about my relationship if she thinks someone is trying to hurt me. Now, how is that fair? I need to keep quiet to stay in her good graces, and she gets to speak out when it comes to me? That’s not how this works. Anyway, she might be right, she might be wrong, but if she wants to say things she has to accept that I might want to in her situations, too. I think the real reason she got so mad is I stopped waiting for her. It’s just my opinion, of course, but I was always the safe one to fall back to. But I was getting hurt. She used to call me al the time for sex, and I mean a lot, we did it all the time, but then I have texts from her saying how much she hated having sex with me. Like, really? It made me feel so cheap and used. And nine times out of ten, she’d have me come over and scratch that itch for her, then find something to get mad at me about to kick me out and not talk to me till the next time she was horny.
And she’s always held me to a much higher standard than anyone else in her life. Everyone has screwed her over at some point, some of them multiple times and they’ve all been forgiven multiple times. I’m not saying I’m innocent, those first two years I was a real asshole. I was cold a lot of the time, I wound up in jail for three months because I fucked up, and she waited for me, and I didn’t repay her the way I should have. Instead of being loving I was spiteful. Instead of being patient, I was impatient. Instead of being an adult, I was a petty child. I accept all that. I learned a lot from being with her. But when we moved forward, I thought we were doing it with the understanding the past is in the past and we were moving through time into the future. This is the same shit that gets every guy: women never forget, there is no such thing as the present or future, only past mistakes. They forgive themselves for any trespasses in the past and expect you to, also, while being determined to stay in the past with all your fuck-ups. It’s not fair, but it’s what they do. Guys will go punch a wall or something and be over it. Girls will mention shit years later and still act mad about it. That could be one example of why monogamy is stupid. But not me, she’ll constantly bring up the past. Even when we talk, now she’s forever dropping little examples of something that happened ten years ago. She has a decent life. She’s in a great career, instead of her being mad she might be a little grateful to me since it was me who kept pushing her to go back to school to get a degree. I kept telling her she’s too smart to settle for not having a degree and she should go back. I was the one who got all the information for her about school, and various programs and financial aid, and everything else. I swear, I wonder why I bother helping people with anything. I’m okay with not getting credit, but for fuck’s sake don’t be a dick about it to me.
She also thinks I’m racist. And sexist. And homophobic. Not even fucking close. But SHE happens to be one of those people on the faaaaaaar left. The ULTRA-PC Liberal no one gets. Like their polar opposites: the Trump fans. That’s not to say she’s like them, but her side of the political spectrum is as far away from moderation as a Trump fan’s. She’s entitled to her opinions, of course, but no one’s entitled to their own facts. Facts are facts. The fact is this: If I read about something specific to race, orientation, gender, etc, I will ask about it. In her mind it seems to be okay to be critical of Whites, Males, Christians, and Heterosexuals, but no one else. Everyone else is off limits, except possibly to member of their own race or type. So when I say something like IF Bruce Jenner had actually been to blame, he should go to jail. I realize SHE isn’t Bruce any more, but she was at the time. I also don’t think Caitlyn deserved to be named “Woman of the Year” for getting a sex change. Whatever you think of that issue, saying what she did was more important than any other woman that year is bullshit. Sorry. And that’s not me hating on people who get sex changes, that’s me saying it’s just not right. The husband of a woman who rushed into one of the towers on 9/11 to save lives and was killed returned hi award from Glamour over it. It was to him like saying what Caitlyn sacrificed was the same as dying saving lives in a terrorist attack like 9/11. Rose McGowan took issue with it because prior to her sex change, then Bruce had enjoyed male privilege his whole life. Women have spent their entire lives suffering for the benefit of their fellow human, and it just seemed like a bad choice. Does she deserve recognition? Of course. Over and over, YES. Does she deserve more recognition than say Pragya Singh, who has helped hundreds of burn victims, or the women in the Middle East braving those same attacks for learning or teaching, or any number of other women here or around the world? In my personal opinion, no. It just doesn’t rise to that level. For a lot of people Caitlyn gives them hope, and that’s great. It’s awesome that she’s there for their cause, her cause, too, but I just don’t think it rises to the same level and I shouldn’t be considered a bigot or Homophobic because of it. I have a LOT of Gay friends. Guess what: they all agree. That’s another funny thing: I do have a lot of Gay friends. It just doesn’t occur to me that they’re Gay above and beyond all of two minutes if they’re extra flamboyant. I’ve had several Gay roommates, three to my best guess, several Bisexual roommates, why does it even matter? Every year I go the the art show here in Bridgeport to show my support for them, a lot of them are friends with me either in real life, or we keep in touch on Facebook, I’ve hung out at Trevi in Bridgeport numerous times, I’ve been to their houses for parties, and see some of them almost daily. If I were Homophobic, why would I do that? Granted, I don’t have any Lesbian friends, but that’s not by design, it just happens that I don’t. As for minorities, I have tons of minority friends and my wife is Hispanic from South America. Everyone has racist ideas from one time to another. My ex has made comments about the way the Jewish people at her high school treated her. I’m not sure what their being Jewish had to do with it, but it had some sort of meaning for her. And she’s never been shy about saying something about Whites that she doesn’t like. Personally, I have no problem with any group of people, but I really hate ignorant people. Of ALL races. I just choose to not be around them. It’s not racist. My wife is the same way. She, too, hates ignorant people. Not because of their skin color, but if I had to name one group I can’t stand more than anyone else based on skin color? Whites. Again, not in general, but rednecks piss me off. They were handed the keys to the kingdom and fucked it up. You have every opportunity to get ahead and not look like an idiot, but, instead, you’re trying to bed relatives, your car has no wheels and plants growing out of it, and you look like trash. Sorry. So I try to avoid areas like “the valley”. As for sexist? I don’t know, I try to be as chivalrous as I can. I’ve never thought of women as less than men. I honestly like most of them better than most men. I don’t think they deserve more rights than men, I think we should all be equal in every way. Does that make me sexist? I also reject the idea that men can’t be sexually assaulted by women, or that in cases of drunken sex on college campuses it’s always rape by the man even if both parties accepted, even if the man is more drunk simply because his penis got hard. I reject ideas like that. I think we’ve gotten too pc with sex. Now college kids are supposed to actually sign consent forms before having sex. Hopefully it doesn’t require a Notary. That’d be awkward.
Anyway, she just goes out of her way to be mean to me. She tries to hurt me and succeeds almost every time. Just because I blow things off doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. I’m hyper-emotional, if anything having Bipolar Disorder, being on the Autism Spectrum, having ADHD, being OCD having Panic Disorder, all things she’s made fun of in the past with comments like “Bipolar Boy”. I do have emotions. My thought process might be fucked up, but where’s my consideration? What, everyone else gets a free pass with their issues, but I don’t deserve any? I also remember everything. Every slight. Every insult. Every rude comment. I choose to not dwell on them or make it a big issue for most people. I’ve only ever written off one person in my life, a guy who actually talked shit about my ex one day and that was it for me with him. I did have one other guy friend ghost me for a girl he was dating, but he was kind of stupid to begin with, and not the best friend. No big loss. But my ex tries to find fault with literally everything I say or do. She called me condescending for saying I have expensive taste in liquor now, well she’s condescending for pretty much every single interaction with me. If it’s not bragging about something, it’s putting me down for everything. Like the day she said she doubted I could actually make as much as I do with this job. Why, because I didn’t have to go to school for four years to do it? It’s HARD work. Especially for me since I have to talk to people. Having a 4.9 rating with over 4,500 trips in a year is pretty good. My delivery rating is 100%. I’m good at this. Could I make more? Yeah, lots, but I’m lazy. I admit that. But it’s not the job, it’s me holding me back. She hates my wife, so she never has anything good to say on that front. Recently, both of us lost a pet that was very close to us. Our “soulmates” as she put it. Toby for her, Fluffer for me. I tried to be there for her however I could. She tried to be there for me on her terms. That’s how it’s different. I’ll give as much as I can that the other person needs, she’ll give as much as she wants regardless of what the other person needs. I remember when discussing a possible song lyric I was thinking about to go with a tattoo she said something to the effect of not that song, she didn’t like him. So? Imagine if I had said that about a lyric she’d have been considering. It would’ve been a huge fight, and, honestly, I wouldn’t say something like that. If a lyric makes you feel better, pick that lyric. Why do I need to express I don’t like that group and suggest you pick something else? Who’s it for then? And while I was always there for her when she was sad, there were times when she was just distant when I was reaching out. It’s like that with her: she’s fine asking for help but loathes giving it to me.
Why don’t I walk away, you ask? Ignore her forever? Because she was such an important part of my life. Because I grew as a person because of her. Because in a lot of ways she made me a better person. Because I think she’s a good human being. But she’s really spiteful. She’ll hold grudges for decades and refuse to let them go as if her anger is all that she is. I’m an optimist, she’s a pessimist. So while she only sees the native things about me (except when she needs me for something), I see the good in her, and am always available. And who am I to write people off just because they’re rude? It’s just hard sometimes because she should understand that labels and boxes are bad. There are so many things about me she doesn’t now because she wasn’t ever really interested in anything other than the surface, and that’s sad, because I am quite deep. And I don’t really care if that last bit sounds conceited.