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Lonely

Response to a webpage on dealing with heartbreak:

That sounds like good advice, except if you know that you had the one person who would love you no matter what, for who you are with your faults, your soul-mate if you will, and then you lose that person, it just hurts. Really badly.

I spent 7 years in an admittedly unhealthy on-again off-again relationship with a girl I loved more than anything or anyone. I’m 39, under-employed and have a past that she was able to look past. I met her when I was 32. She was a lot younger. She was the most fun person I have ever been with, yet somehow I managed to not give her what she needed the most: my heart.

We had good times, and even great times, but the bad times were really bad. We argued about everything that didn’t matter, and while I wont excuse the ones she started, I could have avoided all of them.

So now she found someone else. And she’s happy and I know I should be happy for her, but I’m not. I want her to love me. I want her to be with me. I want to not hurt any more. My heart aches. I am trying my hardest to distract myself from thinking about her, but how can I really? This isn’t just a relationship gone wrong: this is THE relationship gone wrong.

And she has so many great qualities I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from holding anyone else to. Like how smart she is. She is literally the smartest person I’ve ever met in my life. She’s funny, and playful, and kind to the children in her family. She loves dogs and has the best Beagle in the world. She’s very attractive with beautiful eyes that haunt my mind while I write this. It just feels like it’s hard to breathe when she’s not around me.

We used to have fights and make up a few days later. There were even a few times where we saw other people and still talked. Honestly, as much as it hurts that I’m not the one making her happy, I could deal with it a lot better if we were still friends, but I can’t even have that. She flat out refuses to say word one to me. None of our fights were anything of significance, but the amount of dumb fights just hit the critical point, I guess.

To top it all off: we live a block away from each other. Not even. She’s literally two buildings away from me. I can kind of see her building if I look out my window. I just really miss my best friend. I miss how much fun we had when we had it. My food, even my life has no flavor right now. I get stress headaches every day which sometimes trigger my migraines, I can’t sleep, I don’t want to go out; it’s like a piece of me died when she stopped talking to me.

They say time heals all wounds, but I honestly don’t want time to heal it. I want her to. I miss her, and I love her.

The Driver (Adam Smith)

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