On my travels I come across a lot of different dogs. Most of them are friendly, all of them bark. They’re sort of like kids in the sense that they get excited when someone new is at their house. I’ve had both good experiences with them, and unfortunately, one bad one. The breeds people have vary, from Chihuahua’s to Great Danes and everything in between. Yesterday I met two Poodles, a Pug, two Labs, and a Bulldog. They were all nice. The funny thing about the dogs these people have is they seem to be starved for attention. They just want to be pet. So I usually do. The even funnier thing is they often come into the yard to see me and after the transaction is over the owners are like “Come in the house (insert name)” but they rarely listen to them. But they listen to me. It’s funny, I snap my fingers and say, “Go inside” and the dogs obediently turn around and go inside. I’ve had owners look at me, stumped, and even say things like “Well that’s nice, we feed it, but it obeys you.” Lol, go figure. Pets and little kids seem to like me for some reason. Maybe it’s the Santa Claus factor. You know, pizzas are like gifts. To them anyway.
The one bad experience I had with a dog was while working at my friend;s place in Milford. I go to the house and a kid opens the door and out pop two Pomeranians that proceed to start biting me on the legs. I’m trying not to hit or kick the dogs, the kid is laughing, and the dogs are drawing blood. That’s how hard they bit me. The kid finally pays, screwing me on the tip, of course, and I leave without having to punt these little fuckers to the 50 yard line. When I got home that night I noticed my legs had some pretty deep bite marks in them. I cleaned it up as best I could, but I was concerned. Anyway, over the next few days it bothered me enough to make a complaint with animal control. So they go to check the story out and it turns out that one of the dogs was foaming at the mouth and acting strange and the owners had it put down and cremated. The other dog they denied even owning. More on that later. So now animal control tells me to go to the ER and see what they say. So I do. The doctor comes back and tells me in all the years she’s seen potential rabies attacks only a very few needed the shots. I’m about to sigh when she says, “You’re one of them.” It was like the world fell out beneath me. I mean in hindsight, getting bit by a rabid animal isn’t really that big a deal considering we have the medicine to prevent something very bad from happening, but the idea that if I went without going to the ER I could have actually gotten rabies and died from it freaked me out. FYI folks: the rabies series is like having liquid fire injected into your blood. Literally. It burns like nothing I’ve ever felt before. There are like 6 of those shots, but then there are the booster shot, tetanus shots, etc, etc. If you go through this accept feeling like a pin cushion for a few weeks.
I sued them. It cost a lot of money and it was totally avoidable. At no point did they apologize or offer to pay my bills. Not once. And they denied having the other dog. They later got caught getting it from a friend’s house, which is part of the reason I won. I didn’t get a lot of money. The lawyer got some, I owed my father some, and when it was said and done I had around $7,000. It sounds nice except this took months to get and I had to get bit by the dog and go through what I did. I still hate those dogs and I still get nervous around them when I see them. But I promise you this: the next time one bites me, he’s going deep, all the way to the end zone.

The Driver (Adam Smith)

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“Kick Rocks” Pizza Delivery Nightmares by Adam Smith is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

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